I start radiation tomorrow (which I’m not too nervous about). I’m also getting some low-dose chemo and have to stay at the hospital overnight for just one night. I’m looking forward to moving ahead in my journey, but at the same time I’m mentally exhausted.
I don’t want to do any more chemo, feel nauseated, get tired, stay at the hospital, etc. Although the chemo I am getting tomorrow only runs for an hour or so and is not very intense, I still get nervous as to how I’m going to react to it.
Unfortunately, I’m the type of person that tends to play the worst-case-scenarios in my head all the time. Ugh. I hate hate hate that I do this.
So overall, I’m a little anxious, plus just sick and tired of everything. I still think about my future bone marrow transplant, and get super anxious about that. I’ve heard that the chemo can be really bad and then I’ve heard that it shouldn’t be too bad. I just hope the medications that are available will help, because I can’t handle nausea. If I feel any sorts of nausea coming on, my heart starts racing and I feel as if I’m going to have a panic attack.
God, I just want this all to be done so I can get back to a normal life … like everyone else has. I look at people when I’m out-and-about and get jealous … they have it so easy (from what it looks like at least). They have their hair, eye lashes, eye brows … jobs … a life … and what do I have? Cancer. Why? No one knows. I always feel like I get the short-end-of-the-stick. Always.
And when I see smokers (no offense to anyone out there who smokes)I get upset. I’m sorry but smoking is obviously proven to cause cancer and other issues, and why am I sick? I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life (okay, I’ve had one cigar), so why the hell am I sick and not those who smoke all the time? It’s not fair.
I know that ranting is not going to change anything, but I’m still just upset.
